WORDSWORTH: Welcome home, Mama!
ME: Thank you Wordsworth! What have you been up to while I was away?
WORDSWORTH: Oh nothing much. Just hanging out in my kennel. You know how much I love my kennel.
ME: Oh really? You didn’t by any chance take a nap on my bed?
WORDSWORTH: Why on earth would you think that?
ME: I don’t know, just a hunch. Also, my pillow is covered in short, yellow hairs.
WORDSWORTH: Those could be anyone’s.
ME: Riiiiiiight. Except you’re the only one in the house who has short yellow fur.
WORDSWORTH: Circumstantial evidence. I want a lawyer.
Wordsworth: Mama, can I sit with you on the bed?
Me: Sure. Sit right here so I can scratch your neck for you. Say, your collar has gotten a bit tight; let me fix that for you.
Wordsworth: MAMA WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN’T TAKE MY COLLAR OFF, IT’S PART OF ME!!! GIVE IT BACK. GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW.
Me: Whoa, calm down. I just need to loosen it for you a little bit. See? I’m all done, and I will put it back on now.
Wordsworth: Oh man, that was a close one. For a second there, I thought you were kicking me out of the family.
Me: Don’t be silly. I might take your collar off before giving you a bath, but I would not kick you out of the family. We all love you too much.
Wordsworth: Did you say BATH? That might be even worse than being homeless again. Man, I really dodged a bullet there.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND, MAMA!
A Play in One Act
Cast of Characters
EMERSON: A Bernese Mountain Dog
WORDSWORTH: A yellow Labrador Retriever mix
KARI: A human female, mid-to-late 30s
Kari’s kitchen and back yard
A weekday morning, early autumn, around 7am
SETTING: We are in the kitchen of Kari’s home. At Stage Left is a large bin of dog food with two large metal dog dishes on the floor next to it. The stage is divided down the middle by a wall. In the wall near the front of the stage there is a door which leads out to the back yard, partially visible on Stage Right, beyond the wall.
AT RISE: Kari enters the room, and approaches the door. She opens the door to the back yard.
Wordsworth: Hey Mama, what are you putting into that bag?
Me: A swimsuit and a change of clothes. Daughter and I are going to see some friends at their family’s lake house.
Wordsworth: I don’t think I know what a lake is but I can’t wait to find out!
Me: Sorry buddy, but we can’t bring you with us. Maybe another time.
Wordsworth: Oh. I see how it is. So I’m just gonna go ahead and stare at you pathetically through the window as you back out of the driveway. We’ll see how much you’ll enjoy your trip to the lake WITHOUT ME.
Son: Sheesh, it’s like something out of a horror story. “The house has been abandoned for years, but on fine summer days, people still see the ghost of a yellow lab staring sadly out the window at them.”
[Today’s talking cat story is a guest post written by my son. The events below transpired last night after we had all gone to bed. If you like it, be sure to comment and let him know! — Kari]
Sir Oliver: I desire petting. *walks into Son’s room* Oh. My servant is asleep. I shall wake him. *begins prodding son’s face*
Son: Zzzzzzzxxxnnxx *wakes up* Huh?
Sir Oliver: Oh, good, you are awake. I require a massage.
Son: Dude! It’s 11pm.
Sir Oliver: Time is a social construct invented by humans to avoid their responsibilities towards their feline overlords.
Son: Whatever. I’m going back to sleep.
Sir Oliver: This is outrageous. I will be filing a complaint with the Feline Overlords Union.
Son: Good luck with that. Zzzzzzzz.
Sir Oliver: Hmph. Just for that, I am going to leave a hairball right here where you will step in it when you wake up.
Wordsworth: Hi Mama, whatcha doin?
Me: Putting on my shoes.
Wordsworth: Oh! Well you don’t need two hands for that. You could be petting me with at least one of those hands.
Me: Actually no, I really need both hands to tie my…
Wordsworth: *pushes face in between my hands*
Wordsworth: *puppydog eyes*
Me: I guess I should get some slip-on shoes.