WORDSWORTH: Welcome home, Mama!
ME: Thank you Wordsworth! What have you been up to while I was away?
WORDSWORTH: Oh nothing much. Just hanging out in my kennel. You know how much I love my kennel.
ME: Oh really? You didn’t by any chance take a nap on my bed?
WORDSWORTH: Why on earth would you think that?
ME: I don’t know, just a hunch. Also, my pillow is covered in short, yellow hairs.
WORDSWORTH: Those could be anyone’s.
ME: Riiiiiiight. Except you’re the only one in the house who has short yellow fur.
WORDSWORTH: Circumstantial evidence. I want a lawyer.
A lot has changed in our family since I started this blog. In the beginning, we had four pets: Selby, Emerson, Lord Dormir, and Sir Oliver. Of those four, only Sir Oliver remains. He’s a quiet old man with a classic case of resting bitch face, but he’s sweet and he loves our teenaged daughter more than anything else in the world.
You’ve met Wordsworth, of course. He’s still a handsome guy who loves to explore and also loves to lounge around with people.
In August of 2015, we were joined by Count Rugen “Cuddles” com Bigglesworth IV (a/k/a “The Count”, or “Count”, or sometimes “CAAAAAAAT”, followed closely by “GETBACKINTHEHOUSE” or “GETOFFOFTHECOUNTER!”). He was raised with a puppy so he mostly tends to prefer the company of the dogs and enjoys chasing Sir Oliver around the house.
In January 2016, we met Butler. How he came to join our family is too good of a story to sum up in one sentence, so I’ll have to make that a separate post. This goofy boy loves coming to work with me at the groomer, just like Emerson did.
Wordsworth: Mama, can I sit with you on the bed?
Me: Sure. Sit right here so I can scratch your neck for you. Say, your collar has gotten a bit tight; let me fix that for you.
Wordsworth: MAMA WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN’T TAKE MY COLLAR OFF, IT’S PART OF ME!!! GIVE IT BACK. GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW.
Me: Whoa, calm down. I just need to loosen it for you a little bit. See? I’m all done, and I will put it back on now.
Wordsworth: Oh man, that was a close one. For a second there, I thought you were kicking me out of the family.
Me: Don’t be silly. I might take your collar off before giving you a bath, but I would not kick you out of the family. We all love you too much.
Wordsworth: Did you say BATH? That might be even worse than being homeless again. Man, I really dodged a bullet there.
LOOK WHAT I FOUND, MAMA!
A Play in One Act
Cast of Characters
EMERSON: A Bernese Mountain Dog
WORDSWORTH: A yellow Labrador Retriever mix
KARI: A human female, mid-to-late 30s
Kari’s kitchen and back yard
A weekday morning, early autumn, around 7am
SETTING: We are in the kitchen of Kari’s home. At Stage Left is a large bin of dog food with two large metal dog dishes on the floor next to it. The stage is divided down the middle by a wall. In the wall near the front of the stage there is a door which leads out to the back yard, partially visible on Stage Right, beyond the wall.
AT RISE: Kari enters the room, and approaches the door. She opens the door to the back yard.
Wordsworth: Hey Mama, what are you putting into that bag?
Me: A swimsuit and a change of clothes. Daughter and I are going to see some friends at their family’s lake house.
Wordsworth: I don’t think I know what a lake is but I can’t wait to find out!
Me: Sorry buddy, but we can’t bring you with us. Maybe another time.
Wordsworth: Oh. I see how it is. So I’m just gonna go ahead and stare at you pathetically through the window as you back out of the driveway. We’ll see how much you’ll enjoy your trip to the lake WITHOUT ME.
Son: Sheesh, it’s like something out of a horror story. “The house has been abandoned for years, but on fine summer days, people still see the ghost of a yellow lab staring sadly out the window at them.”
Wordsworth: Hi Mama, whatcha doin?
Me: Putting on my shoes.
Wordsworth: Oh! Well you don’t need two hands for that. You could be petting me with at least one of those hands.
Me: Actually no, I really need both hands to tie my…
Wordsworth: *pushes face in between my hands*
Wordsworth: *puppydog eyes*
Me: I guess I should get some slip-on shoes.