Category Archives: Wordsworth

Do Dogs Have Miranda Rights?

WORDSWORTH: Welcome home, Mama!

ME: Thank you Wordsworth! What have you been up to while I was away?

WORDSWORTH: Oh nothing much. Just hanging out in my kennel. You know how much I love my kennel.

ME: Oh really? You didn’t by any chance take a nap on my bed?

WORDSWORTH: Why on earth would you think that?

ME: I don’t know, just a hunch. Also, my pillow is covered in short, yellow hairs. 

WORDSWORTH: Those could be anyone’s.

ME: Riiiiiiight. Except you’re the only one in the house who has short yellow fur.

WORDSWORTH: Circumstantial evidence. I want a lawyer.

Advertisements

Family Updates

A lot has changed in our family since I started this blog. In the beginning, we had four pets: Selby, Emerson, Lord Dormir, and Sir Oliver. Of those four, only Sir Oliver remains. He’s a quiet old man with a classic case of resting bitch face, but he’s sweet and he loves our teenaged daughter more than anything else in the world. 

Sir Oliver is a long-haired orange tabby cat. In this picture he is sleeping curled up in a fluffy ball with his head resting in my hand.

You’ve met Wordsworth, of course. He’s still a handsome guy who loves to explore and also loves to lounge around with people. 

Wordsworth is a large yellow lab. In this picture he is laying on his back next to me in the yard

In August of 2015, we were joined by Count Rugen “Cuddles” com Bigglesworth IV (a/k/a “The Count”, or “Count”, or sometimes “CAAAAAAAT”, followed closely by “GETBACKINTHEHOUSE” or “GETOFFOFTHECOUNTER!”). He was raised with a puppy so he mostly tends to prefer the company of the dogs and enjoys chasing Sir Oliver around the house. 

The Count is  tuxedo cat. In this picture he is laying on his back in Wordsworth's kennel.

In January 2016, we met Butler. How he came to join our family is too good of a story to sum up in one sentence, so I’ll have to make that a separate post. This goofy boy loves coming to work with me at the groomer, just like Emerson did. 

This is a picture of our Saint Bernard, shortly after he flopped down in my lap. His mouth is open as if he's smiling, and his huge tongue is hanging out

Sick Puppy (cartoon)

ME: Hi Wordsworth! Are you feeling okay? You look a little green. WORDSWORTH: Hi Mama. I don't feel well at all. [Gagging noises]

WORDSWORTH: Ah, that's better. ME: Awww, poor guy. Wait. Is that... a sock? WORDSWORTH: [sniffing vomit] Yes, I think it is.

ME: Why do you keep eating those things? You know they make you sick. WORDSWORTH: I don't know, Mama. I guess they're just so delicious I can't help myself.

WORDSWORTH: What's that you're eating, Mama? ME: It's an ice cream cone. WORDSWORTH: Umm... aren't you lactose intolerant?

ME: ... WORDSWORTH: ... [head tilt] ME: ...

ME: That's completely different. WORDSWORTH: Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Wordsworth’s biggest fears

Wordsworth: Mama, can I sit with you on the bed?

Me: Sure. Sit right here so I can scratch your neck for you. Say, your collar has gotten a bit tight; let me fix that for you.

Wordsworth: MAMA WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN’T TAKE MY COLLAR OFF, IT’S PART OF ME!!! GIVE IT BACK. GIVE IT BACK RIGHT NOW.

Me: Whoa, calm down. I just need to loosen it for you a little bit. See? I’m all done, and I will put it back on now.

Wordsworth: Oh man, that was a close one. For a second there, I thought you were kicking me out of the family.

Me: Don’t be silly. I might take your collar off before giving you a bath, but I would not kick you out of the family. We all love you too much.

Wordsworth: Did you say BATH? That might be even worse than being homeless again. Man, I really dodged a bullet there.

Look What I Found, Mama! A Play in One Act

LOOK WHAT I FOUND, MAMA!

________________________

A Play in One Act

by

Kari

 

 

 

Cast of Characters

 

EMERSON: A Bernese Mountain Dog

WORDSWORTH: A yellow Labrador Retriever mix

KARI: A human female, mid-to-late 30s

Scene

Kari’s kitchen and back yard

Time

A weekday morning, early autumn, around 7am

SETTING:           We are in the kitchen of Kari’s home. At Stage Left is a large bin of dog food with two large metal dog dishes on the floor next to it. The stage is divided down the middle by a wall. In the wall near the front of the stage there is a door which leads out to the back yard, partially visible on Stage Right, beyond the wall.

AT RISE:           Kari enters the room, and approaches the door. She opens the door to the back yard.

Continue reading →

How much is that guilt-trip in the window? (With photos)

Wordsworth: Hey Mama, what are you putting into that bag?

Me: A swimsuit and a change of clothes. Daughter and I are going to see some friends at their family’s lake house.

Wordsworth: I don’t think I know what a lake is but I can’t wait to find out!

Me: Sorry buddy, but we can’t bring you with us. Maybe another time.

Wordsworth: Oh. I see how it is. So I’m just gonna go ahead and stare at you pathetically through the window as you back out of the driveway. We’ll see how much you’ll enjoy your trip to the lake WITHOUT ME.

Son: Sheesh, it’s like something out of a horror story. “The house has been abandoned for years, but on fine summer days, people still see the ghost of a yellow lab staring sadly out the window at them.”

image

image

image

Third hand

Wordsworth: Hi Mama, whatcha doin?

Me: Putting on my shoes.

Wordsworth: Oh! Well you don’t need two hands for that. You could be petting me with at least one of those hands.

Me: Actually no, I really need both hands to tie my…

Wordsworth: *pushes face in between my hands*

Me: …shoelaces.

Wordsworth: *puppydog eyes*

Me: I guess I should get some slip-on shoes.

The Marauder’s Map of my Backyard (cartoon)

This is an arial representation of our backyard. It's huge.

To illustrate its size, this is our 140-pound dog, Emerson.

"This is our yard after the first big snowfall of the year."

"This is our yard two MONTHS later." (tiny area of footprints, only around the house)

"As you can see, Emerson is not very adventurous."

"This is how our yard looked two DAYS after Wordsworth came to live with us."

(Entire yard covered in footprints).

"To summarize, in the style of a popular book and film series:"

Wordsworth, wearing a collar and leash in Gryffindor colors: "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs present The Marauder's Map of my backyard

Emerson, wearing Hufflepuff colors: "Mischief Managed."

Dogsplaining (cartoon)

Me: Hi Wordsworth!

Wordsworth: Hi Mama! You look different. Kind of smooth, like one of those cartoons the kids watch.

Me: That's because I *AM* a cartoon. So are you!

Wordsworth: Okaaayyyyyy... Why?

Me: Well, no that you're part of our family, you should be a part of my blog.

Wordsworth: Oh! I've never had a blog before. It sounds delicious!

Me: No sweetie, it's not a food. It's like telling a story to people all over the world.

Wordsworth: Even better! I'll get the leash!

Wordsworth: We're going to have to do a lot of walking if we're going to tell stories to the whole world!

Turnabout is fair play (with photos)

Emerson: Mama, may I be on the bed with you?

Me: Sure.

Wordsworth: Great idea! I’ll come up there with you too! Hey! This bed is kind of lumpy!

Continue reading →

%d bloggers like this: