Monthly Archives: October, 2012

The Norwegian conquers the Mountain

Me: Okay Rainier, it’s time for your bath.

Rainier (a large Newfoundland): Yeah, about that. I’d really prefer not to have a bath.

Me: I’m sorry to hear that. However, you are very dirty and frankly, you smell terrible. Your people have asked me to bathe you so that’s what I’m going to do.

Rainier: Hmm. Well, I’m going to turn away from you and shake water all over you and slobber on you until you stop.

Me: You go ahead and do that if it makes you feel better, but it won’t work.

*2 1/2 hours later*

Me: Okay, we’re all done!

Rainier: I don’t understand. I used all my best tricks on you and you still managed to wash me and get me dry. How is that possible?

Me: My ancestors were primarily Norwegian, German, and Scottish; I am possibly the most stubborn human you will ever meet. Your ancestors were primarily Canadian, and Canadians are generally understood to be polite and accomodating.

Rainier: I never stood a chance, did I?

Me: No. No you did not.

How to Speak Cavachon

Me: Hey guys, this is my friend’s cavachon. His name is Chester, and he’ll be staying with us this weekend.
Selby: Hello Chester. Let’s go outside.
Emerson: Hi Chester! I’m going to sniff your butt for an uncomfortably long time.
Chester: Okay. I’m going to go pee on this fence.
Emerson & Selby: Oh boy, pee-mail! *sniffsniffsniffsniffsniff*
Me: What does it say?
Selby: It says “This fence belongs to Chester.”
Chester: I’m also going to pee on the corner of the garage.
Emerson: *sniffsniffsniff*
Me: What does that one say?
Emerson: “This building also belongs to Chester.”
Chester: And the house.
Emerson: “Ditto”
Chester: And this tree stump.
Emerson: “Heck with it. Everything in this yard belongs to Chester.”
Me: Aren’t you going to pee on those spots too or something? You know, to remind him that it’s actually your yard.
Emerson: No, Mama, that’s silly. I don’t care whose yard it is as long as I still get to roll in the leaves and nap in the sun.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

Me: Selby, we need to talk.
Selby: What is this, an intervention?
Me: Yes, actually, it is. I am concerned about your addiction to tissues.
Selby: I’m not addicted to tissues.
Me: Oh really? Remember a couple of weeks ago, when Daughter caught you pulling the tissues out of the box one at a time to eat them?
Selby: That’s just one time. That doesn’t mean anything.
Me: I have also caught you chewing on tissues numerous times in the last several months.
Selby: Fair point. But I could quit any time.
Me: Really? Because this morning I caught you eating a tissue in my room.
Selby: So?
Me: You stole it out of the trash can in my bedroom. I think it’s safe to say you’ve hit bottom when you’re stealing used tissues out of the garbage just to get a fix.
Selby: Whatever. It’s not like you were using it at the time.

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