[Editor’s note: This is a series of conversations I wrote on my other blog last summer, when I brought Selby to work at the groomer’s with me.]
Diane: Hi Kari! Hi Selby! Nice to see you!
Me: Hi Diane! Hi Scouty! Hi Bandit!
Scouty: Hi Selby! Let’s play! I like to play!
Selby: Okay let’s play!
Bandit: Grrrr. You guys are too noisy. STOP HAVING FUN THIS INSTANT!
Scouty: Party pooper.
[Editor’s note: This is a series of conversations I wrote on my other blog last summer, when I brought Selby to work at the groomer’s with me. Emerson is usually the one who goes with me, so Selby had a lot to say about it.]
Selby: Hi Mama! What are you doing with that leash?
Me: I’m going to work at the groomers now. Would you like to come with me?
Selby: Really?! That would be great! I love going to the Dog Bath Place with you, but I almost never get to go! Are we going in the van? I love riding in the van!
Neighborhood dogs: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK. BARK BARK. BARKBARK BARK.
Neighborhood dogs: BARK BARK BARK BARK BARKBARKBARK.
Emerson: WOOFWOOF. WOOF.
Me: Why are you barking? There’s no one at the door or in the driveway. No one is walking in front of the house.
Emerson: WOOF. Because all the other dogs are barking. WOOF WOOF. WOOFWOOF.
Me: Well, if all the other dogs jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge too?
Emerson: That depends. Why did they jump off the bridge? Is there food over there? Or are we being chased by bees or a bear or something? How high is the bridge? Is there water underneath it? If so,how deep is the water? Is it warm water or cold water? Are you there with me? There are too many variables Mama. WoofWOOF.
Me: The kids always just said “No” when I asked them that question.
Emerson: Well, Mama. You can’t really expect me to say “No” just because everyone else says “No”. I can think for myself you know. WOOF.
Emerson: ZzzzzWOOF. WOOF.
Me: What’s up?
Emerson: Something is Not Right. I need to go outside on patrol right now. WOOF.
Me: Okay. Let’s go out together.
Emerson: The sound is coming from the sky. WOOF It must be Dementors again. WOOF WOOF. Don’t worry Mama. I will sit in front of you and protect you from the Dementors. WOOF WOOF AROOOOO.
Me: Hey there’s a Peregrine Falcon in that tree over there! Cool! And it’s talking to another one in the distance somewhere north of here.
Emerson: Oh, yes, that’s what it is. Falcons, not Dementors. They sound very similar.
Me: That seems rather unlikely.
Emerson: Mama, you can’t see or hear Dementors because you are a Muggle. You will just have to trust me.
Me: That fart was so loud I think the neighbors heard it.
Selby: Oh was it? I didn’t notice. Excuse me.
Me: Oof Selby, why does your gas smell like summer sausage?!
Selby: I don’t know. I WISH it was because I ate some but I didn’t. Because SOMEONE doesn’t think dogs should eat sausage.
Me: This is exactly why. If it smells this bad when you’re not eating sausage, how much worse would it be if you ate some?
Selby: I think the bigger question is if you think my gas smells bad when it smells like summer sausage, why would you eat summer sausage?
Me: You’ve just ruined summer sausage for me.
Sellby: That’s too bad. Next time someone gives you summer sausage, you can give it to me.
Me: Would you guys like to go for a ride in the car?
Selby: Yes of course! I love car rides! *jumps in car*
Emerson: Ok I guess. I prefer the van, but I just want to be where you are, Mama. *gets into car*
Me: Um, Selby? Why are you in my seat?
Selby: I want to drive this time.
Me: You can’t drive. Get in the back seat.
Selby: Why not?
Me: You don’t have a driver’s license. Get in the back seat.
Selby: Well then I will borrow yours.
Me: It doesn’t work that way. Get in the back.
Selby: Then I will get one.
Me: You can’t get a driver’s license. Get. In. The. Back.
Selby: Why not?
Me: Because you’re a dog. Also you’re only 7. You have to be at least 14 just to get a permit. In the back.
Selby: That’s totally unfair. I’m a smart dog. I could do it. And 7 is like 70 in St Bernard years.
Me: Also you have to pass an eye exam, which includes reading. And dogs can’t read because you don’t have enough cones in your eyes. You can’t argue with basic anatomy and physiology. Trust me, I’m a vet tech.
Selby: *SIGH* Okay Mama I will go in the back. But I am going to drool on your arm the whole time we’re driving and I won’t even feel bad about it.
Emerson: Thank goodness that’s over. I just want to get going so we can get home again.
Me: What was that?
Emerson: Someone is coming! WOOF! *stares at the door*
Selby: Oh! Is it time to bark and stare at the door? Woof! *stare*
Emerson: Any minute now. WOOF!
Me: *opens door* There’s no one out there guys.
Selby: Oh. Nevermind.
Emerson: Well there will be someone there soon. You’ll see.
*15 minutes later*
Ian: I’m home!
Emerson: See Mama? I TOLD you I could hear someone!
Me: Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.
Sir Oliver: HEY! This door is closed. I need that door to be open.
Me: Kinda busy in here Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver: Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I need this door open.
Me: Quit sticking your paw under the door. I’m almost done. I just need to wash my hands. *opens door*
Sir Oliver: Thank GOODNESS you’re done. I thought that door was never going to open again. Well, see you later.
Me: Wait! All that fuss about the door being closed, and you don’t even want to go in there now that it’s open?
Sir Oliver: I never said I wanted to go in there. I just said I needed the door open, and now it’s open. My work here is done.