Lord Dormir, certified sleep therapist
Lord Dormir: What are you doing?
Me: Um, sitting in bed, playing games on my phone. Also, Facebook and Twitter.
Lord Dormir: Studies have shown that using electronic devices prior to bedtime makes it more difficult to fall asleep and can lead to insomnia. Just saying.
Me: What studies? Name one.
Lord Dormir: Cat studies. I’m sure you wouldn’t have heard of them. Very well-respected among cats.
Me: Uh-huh.
Lord Dormir: Studies have also shown that petting cats is relaxing, and can therefore help cure insomnia.
Sir Oliver: It is known.
Me: Right. I’ll just be getting back to what I was doing then.
Lord Dormir: If you’re not going to make a serious effort to sleep, then I’m going to nap on your pillow.
Me: Do you have to take up the WHOLE pillow?
Lord Dormir: Yes. Otherwise, how will you learn?
HO HO- no. (with photo)
Me: Guess what, Lord Dormir?
Lord Dormir: You invented an automatic cat-petting machine?
Me: Uhh… no. But I did buy you a new jacket to replace the old fleece one which is all worn out.
Lord Dormir: Historically this has not worked out in my favor.
Me: Well, I think this one is really cute. Also, very festive.
Lord Dormir: Alright, let’s see it then.
Lord Dormir: If you make me wear this, I will knead you repeatedly in the exact same spot until your skin turns black and blue.
Me: First of all, how is that different from any other day? Secondly, totally worth it.
Lord Dormir: Fine, I’ll wear it. But you are not putting my picture in the blog.
Me: Too late.
Lord Dormir: I’m calling the ASPCA.
Me: This is the cutest jacket of all time. Obviously they’ll side with me.
30 Candles
Me: OMG Emerson I almost forgot, it’s your birthday today! I’m so sorry!
Emerson: I can’t believe you forgot my 30th birthday.
Me: You’re only three.
Emerson: Mama, every human year is like 10 years for a big dog like me.
Me: I suppose that’s somewhat true. But at least I remembered before the day was over.
Emerson: Not until after I went to sleep. It’s just like that movie One Hundred and Sixty Candles.
Me: I don’t know that movie.
Emerson: Sure you do! That one where everyone forgets the red-haired girl’s birthday because her sister’s getting married, and her Papa finally remembers but not until after she goes to bed. You’ve watched it millions of times.
Me: Oh, you mean Sixteen Candles!
Emerson: And at the end of the movie she gets a cake.
Me: You’re not getting a cake.
Emerson: You can’t just rewrite the ending Mama. One Hundred and Sixty Candles is a classic.
Me: Think of it as a reboot. All the classics are getting one these days. At least your best friend’s little brother didn’t pay a dollar to see your underpants at the dance last night.
Emerson is a little bit codependent
Emerson: Mama, you are wearing a swishy shirt. Swishy shirts mean The Dog Bath Place.
Me: Yes, Emerson. I work at the groomer’s later today.
Emerson: I hope you are not planning to sneak out without me like you did on Saturday.
Me: No, I will be bringing you to the groomer’s with me when I go.
Emerson: Good. Hey, where are you going?
Me: The bathroom.
Emerson: Don’t go without me!
Me: I do not require your assistance in the bathroom. You can wait in the kitchen.
Emerson: Okay but I will sit right by the door so you don’t sneak out without me knowing.
*later in the bedroom*
Daughter: Hi Emerson!
Emerson: WAIT! If you pet me now and Mama decides to leave, I might miss it. Let me move closer to Mama first. *moves 3 inches closer* Okay, now you can pet me.
*later in the living room*
Emerson: OMG you moved. Are you leaving? Don’t leave without me!
Me: I am not going anywhere. I am just adjusting myself into a more comfortable reading position.
Emerson: PHWEW! That was a close one!
Me: This is just ridiculous. Next time I’m not going to put on my grooming shirt until it’s time to go to work.
Emerson: Did you say “work”? OMG DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!!!!
Me: *facepalm*
Lord Dormir, party crasher
Lord Dormir: What are all those boys doing in the living room?
Me: Son and his friends are having a video game sleepover party.
Lord Dormir: Hello everyone.
Son’s friend: Oooh hi kitty! *pets cat* OH NO! You distracted me and made me lose!
Lord Dormir: My work here is done. *leaves*
How to Speak Cavachon
Me: Hey guys, this is my friend’s cavachon. His name is Chester, and he’ll be staying with us this weekend.
Selby: Hello Chester. Let’s go outside.
Emerson: Hi Chester! I’m going to sniff your butt for an uncomfortably long time.
Chester: Okay. I’m going to go pee on this fence.
Emerson & Selby: Oh boy, pee-mail! *sniffsniffsniffsniffsniff*
Me: What does it say?
Selby: It says “This fence belongs to Chester.”
Chester: I’m also going to pee on the corner of the garage.
Emerson: *sniffsniffsniff*
Me: What does that one say?
Emerson: “This building also belongs to Chester.”
Chester: And the house.
Emerson: “Ditto”
Chester: And this tree stump.
Emerson: “Heck with it. Everything in this yard belongs to Chester.”
Me: Aren’t you going to pee on those spots too or something? You know, to remind him that it’s actually your yard.
Emerson: No, Mama, that’s silly. I don’t care whose yard it is as long as I still get to roll in the leaves and nap in the sun.
The first step is admitting you have a problem
Me: Selby, we need to talk.
Selby: What is this, an intervention?
Me: Yes, actually, it is. I am concerned about your addiction to tissues.
Selby: I’m not addicted to tissues.
Me: Oh really? Remember a couple of weeks ago, when Daughter caught you pulling the tissues out of the box one at a time to eat them?
Selby: That’s just one time. That doesn’t mean anything.
Me: I have also caught you chewing on tissues numerous times in the last several months.
Selby: Fair point. But I could quit any time.
Me: Really? Because this morning I caught you eating a tissue in my room.
Selby: So?
Me: You stole it out of the trash can in my bedroom. I think it’s safe to say you’ve hit bottom when you’re stealing used tissues out of the garbage just to get a fix.
Selby: Whatever. It’s not like you were using it at the time.
How to Bathe a Saint Bernard
Me: Okay Selby, I’m all done with work now. Let’s get you ready for summer by cutting your toenails and trimming the thick fur on the back of your legs.
Selby: Thanks Mama! You’re the best. That feels so much better!
Me: You’re welcome! Now hop in the tub Selby.
