Emerson: What’s the matter Mama? You don’t seem like yourself.
Me: I don’t feel well today. I came home early from work because I’m sick.
Emerson: That’s too bad Mama. You know what might really make you feel better? Petting the dog. I am here for you. Scratch away.
Me: I think I just need to go to bed.
Emerson: That’s an even better idea! Make room for me! *climbs on the bed*
Me: That wasn’t really what I… actually that does make me feel a little better.
Emerson: I told you so. The dog always knows best. ZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ
Me: Emerson! Selby! Come inside!
Emerson: Okay Mama! *galumph galumph*
Selby: I cannot hear you. I am busy sniffing the snow and pretending not to hear you.
Me: Fine, then you can stay outside until I come back.
*two minutes later*
Selby: *scratches on door*”Okay I am ready to come in now.
*scratch scratch* MAMA?
*scratch scratch scratch* MAAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAAAA?
Me: Aw man, I just got comfortable. *opens door*
Selby: I’m sorry, I can’t come in because now I am busy staring out at the driveway where nothing whatsoever is happening.
Emerson: I really want to snuggle with you Mama.
Me: You know I always appreciate a cuddle from you Emerson. Come on up on the bed.
Emerson: I dont know Mama. I want to cuddle but I don’t really like to be on the furniture because I get too warm.
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Me: *waking up* UGH. What time is it?
Clock: It is 3:45 AM.
Me: Great. *picking up vomited chunk of sponge* Emerson, that’s nasty.
Emerson: I know, that’s why I got sick. Say, as long as you’re up, why not put some food in our dishes? I’ll sit here in my spot and wait.
Selby: That is a good idea. I will sit here drooling on the floor, just in case you agree.
Me: Emerson, If you think I’m going to give you food after you woke me up by getting sick on my floor at 3:45 AM, you are out of your mind.
Emerson: Can’t blame a dog for trying.
Selby: I didn’t get sick on the floor.
Me: I know, but I am still not going to feed you until after the sun comes up.
Selby: That’s totally unfair.
Me: So is waking up to the sound of a dog vomiting in my bedroom at 3:45am, but here I am anyway.
Me: I’d like to go to sleep now.
Lord Dormir: Good idea. I think I will do that too.
Me: You’re on my pillow.
Lord Dormir: So? It’s not like you’re going to use the whole thing. I left you a spot.
Me: It’s less than 1/2 of the pillow, and it’s on the wrong side.
Lord Dormir: Beggars can’t be choosers, Kari. Take it or leave it.
Me: Man, it is really cold outside.
Selby: Did you say “OUTSIDE”? I like to go outside! Can I please go outside?
Me: Okay but it’s 16 degrees below zero. That’s very cold.
Seby: Don’t be such a weenie Mama. We’re Swiss mountain dogs. We’re built for cold weather.
Me: Okay but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Do you need to go outside Emerson?
Emerson: Heck yeah! I TOTALLY need to be outside right now.
Me: *opens door*
Selby: Yay! I love outsi- HOLY FUZZBALLS IT IS COLD OUT HERE! Let me back in!
Emerson: Yeah, I totally need to be inside right now.
Me: I told you it was really cold out there. It’s 33 below with the windchill.
Emerson: Mama you know I’m not that good with numbers. But I think maybe my whiskers are frozen.
Selby: It’s so cold I can’t even wag my tail properly.
Me: I thought you guys were “built for cold weather”.
Selby: Mama that’s not ordinary cold out there. It’s brutal.
WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS WHEN I LET THE DOGS OUTSIDE:
Selby: YES PLEASE!
Emerson: Okay I guess.
*A few minutes later*
Emerson: Okay I’m done can I come in now?
Me: Yes you can come in. Selby, time to come inside.
Selby: Oh. Okay I guess. *pout*
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LET THE DOGS OUTSIDE JUST BEFORE I GO OUT OF TOWN WITHOUT THEM:
Selby: YES PLEASE!
Emerson: WOO-HOO, YES I WILL GO WITH YOU! *waits by garage door*
Me: No, Emerson. Go potty.
Emerson: Oh. Okay I guess.
Selby: Can I come now?
Me: Yes you can come in. Emerson, time to come inside.
Selby: *goes in her kennel and waits for me to close the door*
Emerson: No I will sit out here in the middle of the yard because I do not want you to go away without me and if I don’t come in then you will have to stay. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.
Me: No, Emerson, come inside.
Emerson: Okay I guess. *pout*
Me: How the heck did you know I was going away without you anyhow?
Emerson: Because you put all your favorite clothes in The Box on Wheels and didn’t take my leash off the hook.
Me: Sometimes you are too smart for your own good.
Emerson: OMG THERE WAS A NOISE IN THE KITCHEN I HAVE TO SEE WHAT IT WAS THERE IS NOTHING IN HERE BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Me: Emerson the doorbell sound is in the kitchen, but it means there’s someone at the front door. It’s probably the washing machine repair guy. *opens front door*
Repair guy: Hello.
Emerson: OMG THERE’S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR DON’T WORRY MAMA I WILL PROTECT YOU BARKBARKBARK
Me: Ignore him, Repair Guy, he’s all talk.
Me: The washing machine is down here in the basement. If you need anything, I’ll be upstairs.
Repair Guy: Okay.
Repair Guy (on the phone): Hello? Blahblahblahrepairtalk.
Emerson: OMG THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE BASEMENT DON’T WORRY MAMA I WILL PROTECT YOU BARKBARKBARKBARK.
Me: Seriously? It’s the same guy. I know he’s there because I brought him down there, remember?
Me: I guess it’s comforting to know that no one will be able to sneak into our house.
Emerson: That’s what I’m here for. That and the free food.