Emerson: What’s the matter Mama? You don’t seem like yourself.
Me: I don’t feel well today. I came home early from work because I’m sick.
Emerson: That’s too bad Mama. You know what might really make you feel better? Petting the dog. I am here for you. Scratch away.
Me: I think I just need to go to bed.
Emerson: That’s an even better idea! Make room for me! *climbs on the bed*
Me: That wasn’t really what I… actually that does make me feel a little better.
Emerson: I told you so. The dog always knows best. ZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ
Me: Emerson! Selby! Come inside!
Emerson: Okay Mama! *galumph galumph*
Selby: I cannot hear you. I am busy sniffing the snow and pretending not to hear you.
Me: Fine, then you can stay outside until I come back.
*two minutes later*
Selby: *scratches on door*”Okay I am ready to come in now.
*scratch scratch* MAMA?
*scratch scratch scratch* MAAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAAAA?
Me: Aw man, I just got comfortable. *opens door*
Selby: I’m sorry, I can’t come in because now I am busy staring out at the driveway where nothing whatsoever is happening.
Emerson: I really want to snuggle with you Mama.
Me: You know I always appreciate a cuddle from you Emerson. Come on up on the bed.
Emerson: I dont know Mama. I want to cuddle but I don’t really like to be on the furniture because I get too warm.
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Me: *waking up* UGH. What time is it?
Clock: It is 3:45 AM.
Me: Great. *picking up vomited chunk of sponge* Emerson, that’s nasty.
Emerson: I know, that’s why I got sick. Say, as long as you’re up, why not put some food in our dishes? I’ll sit here in my spot and wait.
Selby: That is a good idea. I will sit here drooling on the floor, just in case you agree.
Me: Emerson, If you think I’m going to give you food after you woke me up by getting sick on my floor at 3:45 AM, you are out of your mind.
Emerson: Can’t blame a dog for trying.
Selby: I didn’t get sick on the floor.
Me: I know, but I am still not going to feed you until after the sun comes up.
Selby: That’s totally unfair.
Me: So is waking up to the sound of a dog vomiting in my bedroom at 3:45am, but here I am anyway.
Me: Man, it is really cold outside.
Selby: Did you say “OUTSIDE”? I like to go outside! Can I please go outside?
Me: Okay but it’s 16 degrees below zero. That’s very cold.
Seby: Don’t be such a weenie Mama. We’re Swiss mountain dogs. We’re built for cold weather.
Me: Okay but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Do you need to go outside Emerson?
Emerson: Heck yeah! I TOTALLY need to be outside right now.
Me: *opens door*
Selby: Yay! I love outsi- HOLY FUZZBALLS IT IS COLD OUT HERE! Let me back in!
Emerson: Yeah, I totally need to be inside right now.
Me: I told you it was really cold out there. It’s 33 below with the windchill.
Emerson: Mama you know I’m not that good with numbers. But I think maybe my whiskers are frozen.
Selby: It’s so cold I can’t even wag my tail properly.
Me: I thought you guys were “built for cold weather”.
Selby: Mama that’s not ordinary cold out there. It’s brutal.
Emerson: OMG THERE WAS A NOISE IN THE KITCHEN I HAVE TO SEE WHAT IT WAS THERE IS NOTHING IN HERE BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
Me: Emerson the doorbell sound is in the kitchen, but it means there’s someone at the front door. It’s probably the washing machine repair guy. *opens front door*
Repair guy: Hello.
Emerson: OMG THERE’S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR DON’T WORRY MAMA I WILL PROTECT YOU BARKBARKBARK
Me: Ignore him, Repair Guy, he’s all talk.
Me: The washing machine is down here in the basement. If you need anything, I’ll be upstairs.
Repair Guy: Okay.
Repair Guy (on the phone): Hello? Blahblahblahrepairtalk.
Emerson: OMG THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE BASEMENT DON’T WORRY MAMA I WILL PROTECT YOU BARKBARKBARKBARK.
Me: Seriously? It’s the same guy. I know he’s there because I brought him down there, remember?
Me: I guess it’s comforting to know that no one will be able to sneak into our house.
Emerson: That’s what I’m here for. That and the free food.
Me: Hey Emerson, are you ready for tomorrow?
Emerson: I don’t know. What’s tomorrow? Do I have to take a bath? If so, then NO I am not ready.
Me: No bath, I promise. Tomorrow is the Jingle Bell run/walk for Arthritis. We’re walking a 5K to help raise money for the Arthritis Foundation. I bought this reindeer hat and jingle bell collar for you to wear tomorrow.[*picture below]
Emerson: That is a very silly hat. I am not wearing that in public.
Me: Yes it is silly, but that’s part of the fun! This is a very important cause for me because several of my loved ones have arthritis. Our goal is to raise $150 towards our team’s fund.
Emerson: That’s a lot of money!
Me: It’s a lot of money for one person, but if everyone I know contributes a few dollars, then we can raise that money in no time! All they have to do is click on this link, then click on the “General team donation” link, then follow the instructions on the screen to donate.
Emerson: That doesn’t sound too hard, as long as they have opposable thumbs. And a bank account. With money in it. I don’t have any of those things so I can’t donate money. But if we can raise $150, then I will let you post a picture of me wearing that silly reindeer hat.
Me: It’s a deal!
**If you want to see Emerson wearing this hat, please click on the picture to donate to my team. Be sure to use the “General Team donation” link so Emerson knows when we reach our goal!
It was between this and a Santa hat with a beard, but since Emerson is already roughly the size of a small reindeer, I decided this was the obvious choice.
Me: OMG Emerson I almost forgot, it’s your birthday today! I’m so sorry!
Emerson: I can’t believe you forgot my 30th birthday.
Me: You’re only three.
Emerson: Mama, every human year is like 10 years for a big dog like me.
Me: I suppose that’s somewhat true. But at least I remembered before the day was over.
Emerson: Not until after I went to sleep. It’s just like that movie One Hundred and Sixty Candles.
Me: I don’t know that movie.
Emerson: Sure you do! That one where everyone forgets the red-haired girl’s birthday because her sister’s getting married, and her Papa finally remembers but not until after she goes to bed. You’ve watched it millions of times.
Me: Oh, you mean Sixteen Candles!
Emerson: And at the end of the movie she gets a cake.
Me: You’re not getting a cake.
Emerson: You can’t just rewrite the ending Mama. One Hundred and Sixty Candles is a classic.
Me: Think of it as a reboot. All the classics are getting one these days. At least your best friend’s little brother didn’t pay a dollar to see your underpants at the dance last night.